There are times when no matter how much we try to understand our boyfriend or girlfriend we only manage to drive ourselves into an abyss of confusion and anger. In Andrew G. Marshall’s book I Love You but I’m Not in Love with You, the author explains that given our upbringing and personal history the way we learn to understand what it means to be loved and to express love differs dramatically from person to person. Marshall outlines five basic languages of love:

Spending time together: these people enjoy going to coffee shops, restaurants, long drives, vacations and even relaxing on the couch to watch a movie.

Caring actions: taking care of your partner by going the extra mile (i.e. baking a cake, washing the car, installing a new chandelier).

Affectionate physical contact: massages, hugs, kisses, intercourse.

Present-giving: anything from an expensive gift to a flower picked spontaneously by the side of the road.

Compliments/Appreciative words: verbally communicating affection.

It is immensely important to the health of your relationship that you understand your own and your partner’s language of love. Consider two people, Anna and John, both deeply in love with one another but constantly arguing. In fact, despite their love they are continually on the brink of breaking up and both complain that they feel undervalued in the relationship. Anna communicated her love through affectionate physical contact: after a long day at work she shows John she loves him by giving him a hug, or massaging his shoulders. Unfortunately, when John is busy he frequently tells Anna he has no time for hugs. Instead he tells her he loves her and that she looks beautiful. For John, love translates to compliments and appreciative words. For people like him the verbal communication of love is of utmost importance and when Anna fails to do this, John will feel unloved. Hugs may be pleasant for John, but they do not translate to love despite the fact that, in effect, that is exactly what is happening. In their relationship hugs = appreciative words = love. Until Anna realizes that John’s “I love you” is essentially the same thing as her hugging him, and vice versa, they will continue to feel unloved in the relationship.

Have you ever wondered whether your partner is losing interest in you? Well, according to Harvard psychologist Zick Rubin, there is a practical way to do just that. He conducted an experiment using complicated recording equipment which revealed that couples who experienced a greater intensity of love looked into each other’s eyes significantly longer than those who were less in love. He concluded that when someone is sincerely into you they will spend approximately 75 per cent of the time looking at you when talking, rather than the usual 30-60 per cent. The person in love will be naturally drawn to the sight of his or her beloved, but on the flip side, the person falling out of love will likely spend very little time looking at their partner. Just as taking pleasure in looking at someone is an indication of love, being looked at makes us feel loved. So if you find that your partner’s gaze is ever straying from yours, instead of freaking out and falling apart perhaps the best thing to do is to give him or her a little more attention. Like attracts like, right?

Brace yourself, you're about to receive the best relationship advice known to mankind: Communication! Relationships fall apart every day because of the human inability to be honest about our feelings - even with ourselves. But I bet you think you have this one figured out, right? Wrong! Most people mistakenly believe that communication simply entails straightening things out when shit hits the fan in a relationship. Although being able to express you anger or resentment before it turns your relationship to cinders is an important part of it, in the end its only just a part. The equally important and often over-looked other half is our willingness to communicate the positive feelings. We take it for granted that our partner knows how we feel. We assume that by simply being in the relationship, celebrating the anniversaries, the valentine's days and exchanging the occasional "I love you" is enough. It's not. For the sake of building trust, intimacy and mutual happiness you need to let your partner into your inner life. Your partner not only needs to know what it is that makes you happy, s/he needs to know what s/he is doing right that makes you happy. It's obvious that when both of you are at each others' throats that communication is a necessary step in the process of making amends, but sharing your passions, your joys and your victories with your partner is equally important. People who are incapable of expressing and sharing these feelings with their loved ones should not be surprised to find that love fades away because, for them, love has no chance of surviving. If on the other hand you find yourself incapable of sharing happiness because you feel no happiness in the relationship then you cannot allow your conscious mind to lie to you any longer. Proper communications with our deeper selves is also vitally important in the health of a relationship, and your own happiness. If your relationship is making you unhappy then do not force yourself to repress that fact because you are afraid to break up. Repression of any uncommunicated emotion in a relationship will slowly destroy love, passion and even sexual desire, so speak up! No one deserves to be a prisoner to an unhealthy and unhappy relationship. Do not waste your life.

As she sat waiting for the intercity train, playing with her golden blonde hair, her mind raced with thoughts: “why did he have to do it today – why me – what about all of the beautiful moments – how could he be so heartless – I need him most right now!” As she sobbed relentlessly, bystanders glanced her way, feeling uneasy at her exposure of gloom. Her sunglasses covered her eyes but did not disguise the stream of tears pouring down her glistening cheeks. No one offered a tissue, no one even asked what was paining her; people chose to ignore rather than respond.

Just when she managed to pace a steady rhythm of breath, a man came up from the underground passage and lit up a cigarette. She quickly wiped her tears and with forced composure asked for a spare smoke, her almond skin glistening from the station lights. Agreeably, the man approached her bench with a charming smile and began to search through his backpack, all the while entertaining her with casual jokes.

As she laughed, it began to dawn on her; she was now free to talk to any man she wished and no longer had to adhere to the unwritten but constricting rules of her, what now was, ex-relationship.

The two newly found companions boarded the train, giggling as they exchanged fresh glances and gestures. How? Brought together by a cigarette and the rest is history. With every experience that draws to conclusion, a new adventure begins to surface.

This account was written based on real observation.

Let’s say you’ve managed to break the ice and now have her full attention. The question now becomes, how do you impress her? You think, “Well, I’m great at poker. Why don’t I tell her all about it?” Wrong! You might as well drop a load in your pants and expect an applause. The only way to impress a lady is to ask her questions. Lots of questions. Women have an inherent need to share their internal dialogue as a way of bonding. Men markedly do not display the same need, and often only express their internal dialogue when seeking a specific answer to a specific problem. It is imperative to understand this difference when playing the mating game. In order to win her over you first need to bond with her and to do this you need to invite her to share her internal dialogue with you. Where did you go to school? What did you study? What do you love? What do you hate? Why? Where you always like this? When did you change? What brought you here? And so on. When doing this it is vitally important that the questions stay on topic and that they relate to what she has just said. Otherwise, you’ll have her thinking that you don’t really care about what she had to say. Show her you actually care about her responses. Being a good listener is a fine art, and there isn’t a single sentient being on this planet that won’t appreciate you for it. In the span of a single conversation you’ll have her impressed with your kindness, curiosity and selflessness. In the end, the less you talk about yourself the better. You will know whether your bonding experiment is working when she starts asking you about yourself. Your cue to talk should be a mark of your success.