The Quarter Life

ONE OF MY FAVORITE PERSONALITY TESTS

2010-05-15T12:52:00.001-07:00

Take this brief moment out of your day to get to know yourself. Here is an easy exercise in visualization that may reveal things about yourself you've never realized. This was always one of my favorite personality tests as a kid and if you haven't experienced it yet, I think you absolutely should. It is based on the psychological symbols and archetypes we all carry inside us and that affect how we live our lives. Obviously, it's not fool proof. But the results have often been surprising.

Read the question. Close your eyes and let the images come naturally. DON'T OVER THINK IT!

1. Imagine you are walking in a beautiful forest with someone. Who are you walking with?

2. As you stroll you come across an animal. What kind of animal is it?

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?

4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your Dream House. Describe its size.

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?

6. You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the dining table. Describe what you see on AND around the table. Don't over-think it.

7. You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup. What material is the cup made of?

8. What do you do with the cup?

9. You walk to the edge of the property, where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What type of body of water is is it?

10. How will you cross the water?

SELF-ANALYSIS

Your answers reveal your greatest concerns and life values.

1. The person who you are walking with is the most important person in your life.

2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems.

3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems. (passive/aggressive)

4. The size of your dream house is representative of the size of your ambition to resolve your problems.

5. No fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not to drop by unannounced.

6. If your answer did not include food, people, or flowers, then you are generally unhappy.

7. The durability of the material with which the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with the person named in number 1. For example, styrafoam, plastic, and paper are all disposable, styrofoam, paper and glass are not durable, and metal and plastic are durable.

8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude towards the person in number 1.

9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your desire for love.

10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your love life.

WHAT ARE YOUR OPTIONS?

2010-05-13T06:34:00.000-07:00

Now that you've graduated, having toiled for many years to earn that shiny degree hanging so uselessly on your wall, what are you going to do next? Are you sincerely happy with where you are now? Do you have a grand-dream waiting for your attention in a card-board box under your bed while you get busy paying the bills and hating your job? If this sounds like you take comfort in knowing that it's you and every other quarter-lifer. Being a twenty-something year old is one of the most difficult periods you will ever have to go through. So much attention has been given to puberty and adolesence that this higher stage of human development has gone unnoticed. Many even doubt that it exists. And perhaps for our parents it didn't exist - all I know is that an overwhelming number of quarter-lifer's I've talked to in the last two years have all reported feeling the same way: confused, scared, an awkward sense of being a child in an adult's body, of pretending that you're all-grown-up when really deep down you feel helpless, a sense of drifting - that life isn't going anywhere, there are signs of depression and disillusionment with life. Let's face it, this is worse than puberty. This is puberty 2.0 and it's meaner and badder than before. At least last time you had you parents and teachers to hold your hand while you transitioned. Now you're thrown into the world just as, if not more, confused and disoriented than you were before and expected to navigate your life all on your own.

I'm here to tell you your feelings are justified. You're not weak, or crazy or unable to get your shit together. You're just a normal quarter-lifer and you need to take some time to figure our what you want to do and how you're going to do it. It may take years, so be patient with yourself. Just know that the right path is out there, and that you will find it as long as you keep looking.

HOW TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE PART 1

2010-05-09T05:21:00.000-07:00

I used to know myself. Once upon a time Myself and I were the best of friends, until life got complicated and broke us up. I still lose sleep over it all these years later.

Without a fundamental understanding of who you are and what you really want you're going to stagnate. And if there's a single thing the Quarter-life Crisis is all about is stagnation. After I graduated from University I quickly sank into the murkiest disenchantment. I stagnated for two years, and the questions I kept asking myself throughout were: Who am I and what the hell do I want anyway? I didn't know how to get myself out of the crisis. So what finally worked for me? Reconnecting with myself. Here's how I did it (and note, this is coming straight from a top life coaching firm located in Manhattan):

Open up a word editor and list these areas of your life:
1. Happiness with school/career
2. Your appearance
3. Sense of belonging (friends/community)
4. Your relationship to yourself
5. Your bad habits (smoking, biting your nails, over-eating)
6. Sex
7. Romance
8. Things you hate about yourself
9. Family
10. Money/wealth
11. Sense of control over your life
12. Things you've always wanted to learn
13. Things you've always wanted to do
14. Spirituality
15. Health

Ok, I know it seems like a long list that promises more than a bit of writing, but trust me, doing this was the first step to my full recovery. This is how I beat my quarter-life crisis.

A) After you make your list of 15 things that affect your daily life, rate them from 1-10 (10 being the highest and indicative of absolute perfection, 1 being absolute hell, while 5 is stagnant and the source of some pain, but with hope of change).
B) For any one that you didn't rate a 9 or 10, write out what a 9 or 10 would look like. Be descriptive and creative. Really try to go into your imagination and visualize what your heart wants.
C) Explain why you're not at a 9 or 10 right now? What do you think is going on in your life that is preventing you from having that perfect number?
D) Explain why it's not surprising that you would end up at this lower number in that particular area of your life. What happened to you in your life and family/friendship history that put you on the path to where you are now?
E) Why can't you have what you want in this area? What is getting in the way of your achieving satisfaction?

I will post PART 2 later so the analysis of your answers doesn't bias your responses to the questions above. I highly recommend you put some love into this because the results were magical for me. For a personal consultation/analysis of your answers email us: yourquarterlife@gmail.com. Note, this is completely free, motivated only by our desire to help you through this. Good luck on your journey!

FINDING YOUR PASSION

2010-03-16T06:55:00.000-07:00

Who do you think you are? No, seriously.

Many of us are living our lives around a script and, as scary as it may sound, the person you think you are isn't necessarily authentic. There is so much that is scripted and manufactured all around us. Take our autopilot response to the question, "Hi, how are you?" I'm sure some of you have experienced the startled and confused look some people get on their face when you don't answer "fine and you?" according to your social script. We've been programmed to follow this script from the moment we were born, so it's no wonder that some of us are using our scripts to hide behind.

In order to tear the script away, the first step is to evaluate where you are in life at the present. Not just superficially, but deeply and honestly. Be truthful and kind with yourself and take stock of your achievements, your failures and how much or how little you find yourself moving to your dream goals every day. Learn to see your life clearly and not through the filter of those scripts.

I struggled as a photographer for years. Not because photography wasn't a great source of money (although there was that too), but because according to my script choosing to be an artist was a foolish thing to do. I wanted to be respected, I wanted my parents to be proud and I wanted to be financially secure and my script insisted that this wasn't going to be possible as a photographer. I spent two years studying for and then applying to law school because according to my script that was a respectable career move. In the end I found that my script couldn't stand up to my authentic self and I understood that there's nothing better than pursuing a career you feel completely passionate about.

Ask yourself, if you continue going the way you're going right now will you achieve your dream? Are you living authentically, or are you guided by the scripts you have inherited? One very good way of answering these questions for yourself is to see whether you can figure out what your authentic self is. It speaks to you in moments of optimism and excitement. You need to tune into that voice inside your head and really listen to it. This is important because your script will come in the form of a direct response to that voice. You may think to yourself, "I want to be a writer. I'm so happy when I write," and your script will respond, "Oh, but I'm not talented enough. If I try I'll probably fail, so it's not worth it." The script is like a parasite living off of your authentic self, changing it in the process.

NO ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS YOU

2010-03-14T09:16:00.000-07:00

KATE: Have you ever wondered what the world would look like if we could opt out of the system?

BRAD: Are you drunk?

KATE: Yes, but that has nothing to do wit this. I'm talking about being stuck with no real way of escape.

BRAD: Sounds like drunken rambling to me...

KATE: You're not listening to me. What if I don't want to finish college? What if I don't want to have a neat little office job where I'm forced to fake smiles everyday and pretend like I'm enjoying my work?

BRAD: You want to be a bum?

KATE: See, you're blinded. You're so brain-washed by this whole system that you can't see past it. In your world you're either a somebody, or a bum. I'm talking about being free.

BRAD: You are free! No one is twisting your arm to stay in school or work in an office!

KATE: Are you sure about that? Some of the things that pressure us most are invisible. Sure, there's no one physically forcing me, but there's a whole society, a whole culture and system designed to make me believe that if I don't go through the motions I'm going to be a nobody.

BRAD: No, not a nobody. It's just unlikely that you'll be successful in life.

KATE: What does that mean? To be successful? Do I even want that? I don't know, but I'm sure as hell that everyone wants me to want that. I couldn't be more aware of what everyone wants me to want. To get married, to have kids, to get my Master's...I don't want any of these things. So where does that leave me?

BRAD: Leaves you drunk and rambling.

KATE: You're not listening.

Photo: Rodney Smith

TOXIC THOUGHTS

2010-03-08T08:05:00.000-08:00

What are your bad habits? Whether you consciously acknowledge them or not, your vices reveal more about you than you may think. I'm talking about everything from breaking your diet, or spending more than you should to compulsively over-eating, chain-smoking, constantly putting yourself down and not standing up for yourself when you are being disrespected. But most importantly, I'm talking about the habits of toxic thinking that keep you from being happy.

Believe it or not, you can control what goes on in your mind. Those of you who find yourselves in any of the situations I outlined at the start of this article - all you over-eaters, and chain-smokers, I hear you. You're saying, "But if I can control it why do I feel so out of control?" Let me suggest that one of the reasons you may feel that we lack control over ourselves and our lives is because we tell ourselves so.

Toxic thoughts are like evil fairies, the more we believe in them the more real they get. Consider your internal dialogue and the possibility that what you are telling yourself on a daily basis is feeding your bad habits. No one said life was supposed to be easy, and yet many of us act as if this misconception were true. In fact, doing the right thing is often harder than doing the wrong thing. It is easier to let go than to discipline yourself; to smoke rather than to quit; to claim to be a victim rather than take action; to be a nobody rather than chase your dreams. All these things require hard work and self-discipline, something that will undeniably put you in an uncomfortable situation. And lets face it, above all human beings like to be comfortable - even if it means indulging in the bad habits that ruin our lives. This is where our toxic thoughts come in so handy. They actually work to justify our bad habits. When I tell myself that I'm not in control, I'm essentially giving myself permission to do whatever I want: Over-eat, cheat, steal. I'm not in control, there's something wrong with me and so I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing because I can't help it; change is impossible for someone like me. Well I'm here to tell you that this is bullshit and that you can change your habits just by becoming aware of that internal dialogue. Whether you are in a position to admit this to yourself or not, you are the absolute author of your life and you can choose the narrative. Where you go from here is up to you.

I have compiled a list of common toxic thoughts that you may find helpful. I hope some of these resonate in your heart:

#1:
"Life isn't supposed to be this difficult."
"I'm always the victim."
"Why does this always happen to me?"

You get fired, your partner dumps you, you get insulted by the cashier at the grocery store and all you can think of is how the world is conspiring against you. Never mind what you did to deserve getting fired, and never mind all the things you could have done but failed to do to save your relationship. And above all, never mind what the cashier herself might have gone through that day that made her so upset (hey, take it from me, it's not easy to be a cashier!). No, you are innocent and the world is against you. With this attitude you are actively taking the power away from yourself and putting it in the hands of others.

You interpret any negative occurrence as happening "to" you, automatically writing off the possibility that you had any control in the situation. Rather than seeing a difficult situation as a natural part of life and rising to the challenge, you fall into despair believing that there is something very wrong with you and with your life. Your life is "broken" as it were, and only God himself could possibly fix it. With this way of thinking you won't even bother to try and you will likely remain stuck in a rut for most of your life until you get lucky. And let me just mention that there is a very real possibility that with this attitude you will never "get lucky."

#2:
"Nothing is going according to plan."
"I'm out of control."

Sometimes things just happen to us. Random occurrences are a part of life and the best we can do is plan for the unexpected. And yet many of us waste years of our lives worrying about things we simply cannot control. If you can't change a person, accept that reality. When the unexpected happens, such as a loved one suddenly losing a job when the economy is in a slump, learn to identify what you can't control (i.e. the economy, lack of employment opportunities) and then deal with what you can control (go back to school, start a small business). Planning is good, but understand that you have to expect a certain degree of flexibility in life because no matter how much you try to stick to the plan life will take you where ever it pleases.

#3:
"Why don't they like me?"
"I hope they like me."
"Do I look stupid?"

How do you respond to others when they disagree with you, or offer honest criticism of your work? If you take these things as indicators of failure then you may be riddled with toxic thoughts associated with the desire to be liked by others. We all like to be liked, but it is important to understand that not everyone will like us. It is inevitable that along the road we will encounter people that dislike us, and often for no good reason at all. To seek the love and approval of everyone we meet is to set ourselves up for disappointment. You need to know your self-worth and appreciate yourself on your own. Why ask a stranger to determine the value of your dollar if you can set the value yourself? Your neighbors may think you're worth a few good pennies, but that doesn't make you any less the millionaire (spiritually speaking). What do they know anyway?

#4:
"I can't be happy until I'm perfect."
"There's so much competition, I have to be the best in order to win."
"I need to lose weight."

This last one is the most poisonous of all. It holds you in a mental prison where you are not allowed to make any mistakes - a single mis-step and you confine yourself to the psychological equivalent of flagellation. Also, it means that it becomes immensely difficult for you to complete anything you start since any minor flaw in the design will either have you telling yourself that you're just not good enough to pull this off, or that the whole project isn't worth finishing. With these toxic thoughts running through your head you will never be kind to yourself. You will stand in front of your mirror and hate yourself as passionately as any enemy; picking yourself apart as if you were a poorly constructed work of art. You can't imagine being happy until you've lost those extra pounds. The simple truth is that perfection does not exist, and is for that reason unattainable. The sad consequence of thinking that anything less than perfect isn't good enough, is that you will whole-heartedly believe that you will never be good enough.

CHANGE YOUR THOUGHT CHANGE YOURSELF

2010-03-05T14:42:00.000-08:00

The brain is like a computer in more ways than we realize. Encoded in that small lump of matter is a computing mechanism that works to automatically generate information in the split second it takes for you to have a thought. We are programmed to look for evidence that supports the things we already hold to be true. And as a result, if on a deeper level you have come to the decision that you are a loser, your mind will gather evidence in support of that assertion. Eventually it will become a habit and your subconscious mind will lock into an auto-pilot state that continues to search for more and more reasons to believe that you are not a likable person. This problem gets worse when you start to ask your brain the wrong question. Since the mind’s job is to come up with an answer and it’s processes for arriving at that answer are heavily tainted by your biases, the answer is not always helpful to your sense of well-being. For this reason it is vitally important that you get into the habit of asking yourself the right questions. By asking, “What is it about me that repels people?” or “Why am I so unhappy?” you are only inviting the kind of answer that will reaffirm what you’ve already decided is true: that you aren’t likable, that you’re cursed with bad luck, that you’ll never find happiness. Instead you should be asking yourself, “What about the people that do like me?” and “What is the evidence against my bad theories about myself?” as well as, “What can I do today that will make me happy?” Force yourself out of the negative self-affirming habit by actively seeking evidence against the negative things you hold to be true. The powerful thing here is that by changing your questions you can change who you become. If you see someone who has more happy or successful than you the first thing you should do is ask yourself how you can model your behavior on his or hers. Find out how they think, and what kind of questions they ask themselves. When faced with another’s success, in the shadow of our own failures, a lot of us find ourselves giving in to despair. The thought, “Oh I could never do that,” flashes through our minds. We are riddled with self doubt unable to overcome the burden that is our apparent inexperience. But consider for a moment that every successful business man, doctor, lawyer, singer, writer, what have you, was once inexperienced. Even the greatest minds of all time made mistakes and had they not asked themselves the right questions and sought evidence for the right self theories they would have never attained the level of success they have today.

CHANGE IS GOOD

2010-01-18T08:13:00.000-08:00

Change is a natural and perfectly acceptable phenomenon. And yet, for some unfathomable reason, evolution has not equipped us with the disposition to easily and elegantly deal with change. For something so unavoidable and omnipresent, we seem to expend a lot of energy on keeping things as unchanged as possible. Why? Because we can’t deal with it. In the face of change we turn into a sack of crying kittens heading towards an uncertain future. It often seems to me that we’d much rather be comfortable than happy. Though it is true that with change things may get worse than they already are, but they can also get much better. In many cases I think that’s a risk worth taking.

PS: Milktoothrain.blogspot

THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE

2010-01-18T07:46:00.000-08:00

There are times when no matter how much we try to understand our boyfriend or girlfriend we only manage to drive ourselves into an abyss of confusion and anger. In Andrew G. Marshall’s book I Love You but I’m Not in Love with You, the author explains that given our upbringing and personal history the way we learn to understand what it means to be loved and to express love differs dramatically from person to person. Marshall outlines five basic languages of love:

Spending time together: these people enjoy going to coffee shops, restaurants, long drives, vacations and even relaxing on the couch to watch a movie.

Caring actions: taking care of your partner by going the extra mile (i.e. baking a cake, washing the car, installing a new chandelier).

Affectionate physical contact: massages, hugs, kisses, intercourse.

Present-giving: anything from an expensive gift to a flower picked spontaneously by the side of the road.

Compliments/Appreciative words: verbally communicating affection.

It is immensely important to the health of your relationship that you understand your own and your partner’s language of love. Consider two people, Anna and John, both deeply in love with one another but constantly arguing. In fact, despite their love they are continually on the brink of breaking up and both complain that they feel undervalued in the relationship. Anna communicated her love through affectionate physical contact: after a long day at work she shows John she loves him by giving him a hug, or massaging his shoulders. Unfortunately, when John is busy he frequently tells Anna he has no time for hugs. Instead he tells her he loves her and that she looks beautiful. For John, love translates to compliments and appreciative words. For people like him the verbal communication of love is of utmost importance and when Anna fails to do this, John will feel unloved. Hugs may be pleasant for John, but they do not translate to love despite the fact that, in effect, that is exactly what is happening. In their relationship hugs = appreciative words = love. Until Anna realizes that John’s “I love you” is essentially the same thing as her hugging him, and vice versa, they will continue to feel unloved in the relationship.

LIFE AND DEATH

2010-01-14T08:53:00.000-08:00

Ultimately, what resides at the heart of any life crisis is the sudden and painful awareness that our time on earth is numbered. Whether it’s the first signs of grayness or balding, marriage, the death of your parents or even the death of one of your favorite public figures, you won’t be able to hide from the reality that you’re aging. In effect, every second begins to count much more than it ever did before. You start to ask yourself, is this the job I want to be doing for the rest of my life? Is this the partner for me? In his book Motivation and Personality, the famed psychologist Abraham Maslow suggests that once all our basic needs like food and shelter are met we begin to long for higher needs such as love and self-actualization. The existential confusion one feels at times of crisis are deeply tied to whether we have achieved or failed to achieve these higher needs. According to Maslow, “Discontent and restlessness will soon develop, unless the individual is doing what he is fitted for. A musician must make music, an artist must paint and a poet must write if he is to be ultimately with himself. What a man can be, he must be.” But of course, the choices of what a man can be in our society stretches before us like a star-spotted night sky. The options are as limitless as your potential. And so, considering the fact that we are all going to die eventually, what can we do now to make our life more meaningful? How can we lessen the inherent limitations of living in a mortal body? For one thing, remember to never deny your mortality. You can get all the plastic surgery you want and do nothing but read vampire novels all day, but don’t do it to escape the truth. This will only hurt you in the end. With every fork in the road think of your inevitable death and consider the importance of any decision in light of that fact. An awareness of our mortality can be an incredible tool to help us judge what is and what isn’t important in life. Face your fate and wake up every day wholly focused on what you can do today to enrich your life. Having said that I would like to share with you the best piece of advice I have ever received: Set a goal for yourself – write it down and stick it to your bathroom mirror so that you can contemplate it while you brush your teeth in the morning. Read it over and think of something you can do today that will bring you closer to achieving our goal. It can be as simple as writing a paragraph for that novel you’ve always planned to write. As long as you’re doing something that’s all that matters. I can’t overemphasize the importance of actions over thoughts. Thoughts are powerful only in that they inspire our actions. Whenever you can, try to turn your passive thoughts into actions. Do you like to watch Dancing with the Stars, Runway Challenge or Sunday night football? Go out there and take some creative lessons, or go out and play a game of football. Just taking this small step can have a profound effect on your life.

PC: Jacquelinge Rivera on Flickr

LOVE IS IN THE EYES

2010-01-14T08:43:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered whether your partner is losing interest in you? Well, according to Harvard psychologist Zick Rubin, there is a practical way to do just that. He conducted an experiment using complicated recording equipment which revealed that couples who experienced a greater intensity of love looked into each other’s eyes significantly longer than those who were less in love. He concluded that when someone is sincerely into you they will spend approximately 75 per cent of the time looking at you when talking, rather than the usual 30-60 per cent. The person in love will be naturally drawn to the sight of his or her beloved, but on the flip side, the person falling out of love will likely spend very little time looking at their partner. Just as taking pleasure in looking at someone is an indication of love, being looked at makes us feel loved. So if you find that your partner’s gaze is ever straying from yours, instead of freaking out and falling apart perhaps the best thing to do is to give him or her a little more attention. Like attracts like, right?

HOW TO SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

2009-11-29T16:43:00.000-08:00

Brace yourself, you're about to receive the best relationship advice known to mankind: Communication! Relationships fall apart every day because of the human inability to be honest about our feelings - even with ourselves. But I bet you think you have this one figured out, right? Wrong! Most people mistakenly believe that communication simply entails straightening things out when shit hits the fan in a relationship. Although being able to express you anger or resentment before it turns your relationship to cinders is an important part of it, in the end its only just a part. The equally important and often over-looked other half is our willingness to communicate the positive feelings. We take it for granted that our partner knows how we feel. We assume that by simply being in the relationship, celebrating the anniversaries, the valentine's days and exchanging the occasional "I love you" is enough. It's not. For the sake of building trust, intimacy and mutual happiness you need to let your partner into your inner life. Your partner not only needs to know what it is that makes you happy, s/he needs to know what s/he is doing right that makes you happy. It's obvious that when both of you are at each others' throats that communication is a necessary step in the process of making amends, but sharing your passions, your joys and your victories with your partner is equally important. People who are incapable of expressing and sharing these feelings with their loved ones should not be surprised to find that love fades away because, for them, love has no chance of surviving. If on the other hand you find yourself incapable of sharing happiness because you feel no happiness in the relationship then you cannot allow your conscious mind to lie to you any longer. Proper communications with our deeper selves is also vitally important in the health of a relationship, and your own happiness. If your relationship is making you unhappy then do not force yourself to repress that fact because you are afraid to break up. Repression of any uncommunicated emotion in a relationship will slowly destroy love, passion and even sexual desire, so speak up! No one deserves to be a prisoner to an unhealthy and unhappy relationship. Do not waste your life.

GROWN-UP CHILDHOOD

2009-11-26T06:11:00.000-08:00

Growing up, many of us held the belief that life was only going to become more simple with time. Somehow we expected that our personal insecurities, and our fears about the future were going to be left behind with our childhood selves. One of the greatest surprises of quarter life is that this is not the case, and that many of our childhood inhibitions follow us not only into adulthood, but throughout our entire lives. This has the unfortunate consequence of stunting our psychological growth. Have you ever entertained the thought that, although technically speaking you are a grown-up, deep inside you still feel like a kid? Its either a sign that you haven't adequately delt with those inhibitions...or else this is what being an adult is always going to feel like. I've only been here for a few years. For me, it's still too early to tell.

When I turned 25 an interesting thing happened to my perception of the world. Up until that point the people around me were neatly divided into groups: you had the children, the teenagers, the pre-adults, the adults and then the elderly. But this quickly changed. All of a sudden everywhere I looked I saw nothing but children. Some bigger, some smaller, some younger, some older, but in the end they were all the same young souls stuck in their "pretend" adult bodies. It was a revelation that our internal reality has nothing to do with what is going on outside. This was a hard pill to swallow. One may feel unready for the wrinkles and responsibilites of adulthood, but time does not move according to our needs. It moves simply. It moves always, whether we're ready or not.

THE SCARY REALITY OF ADULTHOOD

2009-11-26T04:38:00.000-08:00

I don't know why everyone makes such a fuss about puberty. Puberty was a joke compared to this. The melodrama, the angst and the acne were nothing compared to my transition from young-adult, to I-can't-deny-it-any-longer adult. Don't get me wrong, my early years had their problems, but those problems were shared among my school friends and teachers. We were a team. Or else, at the very least, we were a community all united in our pursuit of love and education. Then we graduated and it's as if we were pushed off the side of a cliff and landed on the moon. You go from seeing your friends everyday at school, to seeing your friends all move away and move on with their lives. No more late-night conversations, no more last minute hang-outs, no more sharing the burden of this complicated thing called life. All of a sudden, you go from daily pursuing something that interests you, whether it was literature, philosophy or politics, to the drudgery of real life. Gone are the secret-deep-down dreams of one day achieving something extraordinary. Your loneliness and low-paying job prevent you from dreaming big. All of a sudden your friends are you co-workers, that is, if you are lucky enough to have anything beyond geographical space in common. Yes my fellow quarter-lifers, becoming an adult is among the most difficult periods of life. It was with a leaden heart that I realized that this was it. This was really and truly it. Without drastic measures I would never again have what I had as a student: the daily dose of friendship and laughter that made life that much more worth while. So I hit the internet, determined to meetup.com and craigslist.com myself a new social life. I made the effort. I went on friend-dates and sat sipping coffee and making small talk with total strangers trying to find that spark of familiarity. Things always went smoothly but left me unsatisfied. After a number of such experiences I began to wonder what it is that makes meaningful friendship so difficult in adulthood. I realized that the spark of familiarity can only come with time, and time is something we no longer have as adults. Our younger selves shared precious time with our friends every day in and around school activities. We had time to grow together and develop the kind of friendship that can only exist between people who know each other on a deeper more fundamental level. Sadly, I've come to realize that there is no remedy. One must either sink or swim; either fall into despair or adapt to this new and unfamiliar reality.

A New Beginning

2009-11-25T10:45:00.000-08:00

As she sat waiting for the intercity train, playing with her golden blonde hair, her mind raced with thoughts: “why did he have to do it today – why me – what about all of the beautiful moments – how could he be so heartless – I need him most right now!” As she sobbed relentlessly, bystanders glanced her way, feeling uneasy at her exposure of gloom. Her sunglasses covered her eyes but did not disguise the stream of tears pouring down her glistening cheeks. No one offered a tissue, no one even asked what was paining her; people chose to ignore rather than respond.

Just when she managed to pace a steady rhythm of breath, a man came up from the underground passage and lit up a cigarette. She quickly wiped her tears and with forced composure asked for a spare smoke, her almond skin glistening from the station lights. Agreeably, the man approached her bench with a charming smile and began to search through his backpack, all the while entertaining her with casual jokes.

As she laughed, it began to dawn on her; she was now free to talk to any man she wished and no longer had to adhere to the unwritten but constricting rules of her, what now was, ex-relationship.

The two newly found companions boarded the train, giggling as they exchanged fresh glances and gestures. How? Brought together by a cigarette and the rest is history. With every experience that draws to conclusion, a new adventure begins to surface.

This account was written based on real observation.

MINDLESS WANDERING

2009-11-24T07:18:00.000-08:00

What was the point of all that? I’m not going anywhere. My life is nothing like I had expected. Throughout our interviews, we’ve found quarter-life sufferers rife with exactly such sentiments. In this situation your thoughts are like black flies that swarm around you blurring your vision, biting at your heart to entice despair. But despair not! We’ve been there, it sucks, but you can and will get through it. In your darkest moments, when you feel disappointed with life and yourself, try to shift your thoughts from the emotional to the objective. Ask yourself coldly, how can I be at my most productive at this moment? There are so many things you can’t control in the gaping hole that is your quarter-life: Ask yourself, what can I control in my life right now? Think of yourself as a productive machine put on earth to make your dreams a reality. You were given a finite amount of energy to do this, so why waste it on something that will not bear the fruits of your dreams? Think about the things that make you happy, consider your goals. Then consider where you’re investing your precious energy. Are you in a relationship with a partner that keeps hurting you, but you hold on hoping s/he will change? Are you weighed down with guilt and regret over something you did in the past? Are you spending all your time trying to get into law school when you know deep down you want to be a teacher? The point is not to waste your energy on thoughts and actions that, in the end, won’t help you create something concrete and positive. In everything you do ask yourself, “How will this bring me closer to my life goal?” and “How will this make me a happier person?” If the answer comes in the form of a dark cloud over your head, it’s not worth pursuing. In life there are many difficult choices we simply didn’t have to make as children. Nothing comes easily, especially not ultimate happiness. But if you are in a relationship, or on a path that is not making you happy at this very moment, and in the immediate future, just stop. Move on. It may hurt you now, but within weeks you’ll find the dark clouds have lifted.

FINDING YOUR DREAM JOB

2009-11-24T07:07:00.000-08:00

This problem stems from the simple fact that never before has humanity seen such a spectacular degree of choices available to us. Many moons ago, our ancestors were limited by the resources available to them. They worked, married and died in the village they were born in. Their career options were limited to choosing between milking the cow, and milking the goat. Now you can literally do anything you want. These days, you can even get paid to kick back and do nothing if that’s what you really want. So, what do you want? If you’re having trouble answering that question you may be feeling overwhelmed by the universe of choices open to you and it is no wonder. First of all, you need to prioritize. Figure out what takes center stage in your life, then be realistic about which supporting role your dream job will take. For example, if you decide that spending time with your family is most important, a career as a corporate lawyer will make absolutely no sense: You’ll be living under the flickering midnight glow of the fluorescent office lights, while your wife stifles her loneliness with the gardener. Be honest, how much time are you willing to sacrifice out of your life to work your dream job? If life outside of work really gets you going then your dream job will not be very time consuming. Perhaps you may want to look into starting a business, and working from home.

There is an ocean of things that can give your life meaning; sadly, yet many of us find ourselves on the shallow end of the sea. Life can be unbearably chaotic and seemingly meaningless at times, and for those who know what I’m talking about, understanding why you’re here and what you should do with your life can feel like an impossible undertaking. My suggestion: If you want to understand your destiny you need to first understand yourself. Grab and pencil and some paper and put down everything you feel absolutely certain you know about yourself. Are you artistic? A cynic? Love to cook? Write it all down as creatively as you can, adding sketches to your words as you go. Don’t stop writing until you are unable to think of anything else to add to the list. Next number what you’ve put down in order of priority – what is more, and what is less you on this list. Now comes the really important part: Take your top ten answers and consider why you wrote them. Why do you feel that these define you more than the others? Why are these characteristics more important than the ones at the bottom of the list? Can you prove that they truly define you? Would your closest friends agree? And most importantly, what draws you to this characteristic? After you’ve answered these questions you will find a rough guide to why you were put on this planet. These are the things that will make you happy, and in utilizing them you will soon find yourself stepping out of the shallow end, and into the beautiful depths of a meaningful life.

SELF-ESTEEM THE SILENT KILLER

2009-11-24T06:51:00.000-08:00

Can you admit when you’re wrong? Are you ok with being wrong?
Do you need constant positive reinforcement from those around you?
Do you feel the overwhelming need to define yourself as an individual when you’re with others?
Do you have commitment troubles?
Are you often critical of others?
Do you feel the need to demonstrate your self-proclaimed expertise in a given subject whenever it casually comes up in conversation?
Do you give up easily?
Do you feel you fail more often than you succeed?
Do you often compare yourself to others?

If you've answered yes to some, or most of these questions you may be your own worst enemy. Whether you realize it or not, your low self-esteem may be ruining your life.

Low sense of self worth is a silent killer: its grip around your neck steadily tightens with every passing year eventually devastating your life. It was there, silently whispering in your ear when in college you dated someone you knew you weren’t happy with. It was there when you forfeited spending time with your family and friends in order to climb the corporate ladder, or gave up on the possibility of forming real, long-lasting friendships by showing off instead of showing them who you really are. And all this just so you could prove why, despite what you really believe, you are worthy of respect. You may not realize it, but everything you’ve done in your life is, in some way, a reflection of how you feel about yourself. Though you may think it’s not as bad as all that, you should think again. The road ahead is still a long one my dear quarter-lifer. Low self esteem amounts to a self-fulfilled prophecy; you will fail to achieve your greatest potential and goals not because you are incapable of doing so, but because you perceive yourself incapable. Some of the most successful people in the world have found their goals through relentless perseverance. These people have chosen not to give up despite almost guaranteed failure. What about you? Do you find that you give up easily? That may be your low self-esteem ruining your chances of achieving your dreams. Low self esteem affects all facets of your life in multi-splendored ferocity. Who you fall in love with, how satisfied you are with your job, whether you like your friends, all this and more. So just stop. No, seriously. Studies show that simply becoming aware of a problem can effectively disarm it. Just pay attention to your own negative thoughts and realize how unfounded they really are. You are the author of your life, and as such, inherently its lead character. Stop comparing yourself to the supporting actors, and stop being so hard on yourself.

The Only Way To Get Her Attention

2009-11-12T19:12:00.000-08:00

Let’s say you’ve managed to break the ice and now have her full attention. The question now becomes, how do you impress her? You think, “Well, I’m great at poker. Why don’t I tell her all about it?” Wrong! You might as well drop a load in your pants and expect an applause. The only way to impress a lady is to ask her questions. Lots of questions. Women have an inherent need to share their internal dialogue as a way of bonding. Men markedly do not display the same need, and often only express their internal dialogue when seeking a specific answer to a specific problem. It is imperative to understand this difference when playing the mating game. In order to win her over you first need to bond with her and to do this you need to invite her to share her internal dialogue with you. Where did you go to school? What did you study? What do you love? What do you hate? Why? Where you always like this? When did you change? What brought you here? And so on. When doing this it is vitally important that the questions stay on topic and that they relate to what she has just said. Otherwise, you’ll have her thinking that you don’t really care about what she had to say. Show her you actually care about her responses. Being a good listener is a fine art, and there isn’t a single sentient being on this planet that won’t appreciate you for it. In the span of a single conversation you’ll have her impressed with your kindness, curiosity and selflessness. In the end, the less you talk about yourself the better. You will know whether your bonding experiment is working when she starts asking you about yourself. Your cue to talk should be a mark of your success.

YOUR STORY - Amanda

2009-11-11T15:03:00.000-08:00

Not in my wildest dreams did I ever expect life to turn to this. I thought the more control I have over my own life, the more independent I am the happier I'll be. I feel like I've reached rock bottom. Who knows, maybe it’s my hormones but some days I feel absolutely no emotions. Then there are days when I have too much and want to hit things, cry, or laugh at nothing. Today is a no emotional day. Yesterday I cheated. Didn’t really care. I had a fight. Didn’t care. I just shrugged everything off, and now I’m sitting here alone, perfectly content until my emotions kick in again. It’s very strange.

~A.

Quarter-Life From a Buddhist Perspective

2009-11-11T14:01:00.000-08:00

For the first time in your life you find yourself on the doorstep of what your parents called “the real world”. You’ve always had your ideas about what to expect from this alternate reality and you’ve planned your life accordingly. You’ve dragged yourself through majors, double majors, internships, fellowships, apprenticeships and the deep dark depths of your bank account to get to this very moment. And now that you’re finally here, it fucking sucks. If you were lucky enough to find a job, you’ve likely found it about as interesting as shoveling shit can get. You’ve spent the vast majority of your life being a mediocre student, and now that school has faded into the shadows you may feel like life has come to an abrupt halt. You’ve reached a dead-end with your hands tied and you dreams mocking you from their dusty corner under the bed. Well, guess what? You’re knee deep in your quarter-life crisis baby. Now, unless you've lost your mind in the process, you probably want to do something about this. I suggest enlightenment. According to Buddhist teaching, the first step is to vanquish your attachment to all the material things that have kept you comfortable all these years. Well, as far as your quarter-aged ass is concerned, the world as you knew it has vanished right from under your feet. You’re already way past the first step. Next comes meditation. But if you, like most people, can’t find the time or discipline to do this simply practice remaining silent. Resist the urge to speak unless spoken to, and just listen and observe the outside world. The thing your probably didn't expect is that the moment you stop crying about how much your life sucks, and start listening to what life actually has to say, you'll find opportunity knocking on every corner. You're simply to busy listening to your worried thoughts to realize what's really out there. The next, truly horrifying, step is to stop comparing yourself to others. Here is the heart and soul of your quarter-life crisis: the reason you suffer is because you perceive a lack in your life and the reason you perceive this lack is because you fail to perceive it in others. We all know people who have succeeded in eluding their quarter-life crisis only to thrive in the most enviable way. The mistake many people make is to view these success stories as models of what quarter-life should be like instead of the shining exceptions they really are. If all narrative had the same basic plot, there would be no point of telling the story.